eksistensiell krise

fordi dette er min blogg
så gjør jeg hva jeg vil.

og nå synes jeg livet er litt vanskelig, så da blir det slik at jeg forteller om det.

jeg har en og en halv uke til eksamen og som vanlig kommer panikken og angsten.
ikke bare begynner jeg å tvile på det jeg gjør,
men også på HVOR jeg gjør det.

sitter og kikker på bilder fra en islandsk venninde som befinner seg i firenze hvor hun studerer fashion design på polimoda.
hun har fortalt meg at det er jeg som har inspirert og fått henne til å gjøre det, og at jeg er hennes muse. hun er forøvrig også min muse.. :) sitter og ser på bilder hvor hun sitter ved ett basseng, kanskje er det hjemme hos henne. og ett bilde av en bil, som kanskje kan være den fineste bilen jeg har sett. og jeg, jeg begynner å gråte. jeg sitter og strågråter foran bildene. ikke fordi jeg er misunnelig, for jeg unner henne det av alt i hele verden, men jeg sitter og lurer på hvorfor ikke det er jeg som er der ved siden av henne..

jeg vet jeg elsker italia og alt italiensk, men jeg har ikke engang vært der før. jeg tør ikke fly, jeg har ikke vært der.. har akkurat sjekket om det går buss eller tog dit, men det finner jeg ikke ut av. det burde det da gjøre. også har jeg sjekket flypriser i høstferien, men det kom ikke under 6000 kr. mamma er glad i italia, så jeg ringte hjem for å snakke med henne om det. kanskje kunne jeg tatt utvekslingen min dit. men stakkars mamma lå med hodet i en bøtte og migrene. det må være forferdelig. aner ikke hvordan det er. men at man har så vondt i hodet, og bare ligger og kaster opp og det er umulig å rømme fra det, for det gjør så vondt at man ikke får sove, ikke kan lese, ikke kan ta del i noen form for virkelighetsflukt whatsoever. uff.. stakkars mamma.

..

her er noe jeg skrev i går:

making a fool out of oneself is okey now and again..

yesterday at work while filling out a form that was to go to the skredder,
i wrote 26/9-08, 08!
both me and the customer noticed and i quickly changed it to 07 while
embarrisingly turning red.

the boy with the incredibly pretty but cold eyes, nonchalantly says,
"well, its obvious you live in the future.."
i laugh a nervous laugh and claim that the whole thing with numbers in
denmark has got me more confused that i generally should be.
but as to going that far that i dont know which year were in, is
taking it a bit too far, i guess.

he laughs, and looks at me as i am the biggest idiot in the world.
in stead of having a relaxed way of handling the situation,
i get nervous and shy.
if anyone else would have done this, perhaps they would have said;
ok, i am an ass.. and it would have been ok.
i have to explain and explain while stuttering, mumbling and turning red.

i need to get a grip. of course both he and i know i know what year
were in! but his appearance with the eyes and his voice and everything
has got me all confused.

i know the reason why i made this mistake though.

it is because i normally do the mistake with the months, i have to
calculate in my head that september means nine. i have a hard time
separating september and november. but i know that october is in the
middle. when i started working there in september i had gotten used
to the number of 8, so i think i wrote that on most of the notes where
there should have been a nine. and now as i was writing yesterday i
wanted to write quickly and correctly, knowing i had gotten confused
with the 8 before, thats what it turned out to be..

today as i entered the reading room in the library, there were some
places not occupied where i could sit down. there was a boy looking at
me smiling. i chose to sit down with my back against him. he gets up
and leaves, as he leaves he bends over to me and whisper: it would
have been so much cooler if you sat down there, he said and pointed to
either the place free next to him or the one facing him. i smile back.

i go to have lunch, and all i do is smile. and smile and smile..

now i am back at my seat. i didn't go to the place he pointed out, but
he has anyhow not returned either..

i turn back towards my books on e-business. which is highly interesting,
and a girl walks through the doors, the most smashingly beautiful
girl, with bernhard willhelm shoes. something has happened to the
school, when people walk around wearing bernhard willhelm. i love it
here now.. (not only because of that, but shit cbs has turned
interesting lately.) tonight i think i will even go grab a beer in the
school bar..

and oh,
there is nothing more attractive to me than someone studying.
sitting, reading, taking notes, that is about as interesting as it gets for me.
seeing someone simply investing in their future. i love it.
i want someone like that.

I love studying when what i am studying is fun. e-business, i love you.

jeg synes dessuten det er en helt ok bragd å transportere en veske
full av bøker og papirer og data, OG en vannflaske full uten kork på,
i to og en halv etasje uten å søle. jeg hadde glemt å skru på korken
ordentlig, så da jeg tok opp flaska av veska var korken borte.. og
dataen var tørr som en barnerumpe.